Damn, back in the day

Write about your first computer, was when..

Back in the day

Well, I got my first computer when my Grandma was upgrading in the late 90s. The 1990s. When AOL was a disk and everyone was on MySpace. I loved that site, Zuckerberg had it so we could have a meeting room and deny people access to it. It was easy, peezee. Just hit the deny button. So what if everyone in the room wanted the person to join? It didn’t matter. WHY? Cause the person who set it up had unalienable rights to say who joined and who didn’t. I had a dot printer. It was the wild days, kinda like the old west.

The machine took up an entire desk, only the rich had a portable computer, and even then, they were abnormally large, unsightly for sure. This was when we paid for ring tones. I only had a beeper. Which was a call back system. For a few months, I even indulged in the text of the Era. which meant I carried around a huge beeper and could only text with others who had one and receive a number to call if they didn’t.

I remember floppy disks. I had one of those as well and hard disks. I also dealt with faxes coming over the phone line. The same ones were used for the regular phone. I don’t have a problem with it. All the information is a great boon. Technically, we are walking, little gs of G-d. Meaning that even that there really is zero way of keeping a secret anymore. What to know a flow rate, use Google or Suri. Despite the other implications of every single person is almost connected to the internet in some form or fashion. Damn my age is showing again.

Read? 😆 🤣

What books do you want to read?

I listen much more than I read. I am older and flatly I was fully invested in kindle. Before that hardbacks or paper. Loved the second hand book stores, they were my favorite. My tastes have kinda changed over the years. When I was younger I loved horror, my little g God was King, except for the weird one about the guys in the woods. I loved the original Stand, King always did a cameo.

Now, I find myself listening to My ExWife told me to go to Hell. It’s about an immortal vampire, who is Russian. It’s blends that with the Greek pantheon, and issues of divorce. Oh the best part, is a vampire Maltese in it. Love the Russian accent it’s read in. I am waiting for the last installment, like I waited for the release of the hardback of Tolkin. Books were my friends. They let me, run the emotions I was unable to communicate. It’s amazing to look back and read them from past. There are always different things that become my favorite. My solace changing places. I always try to read recommendations. I will read the first three chapters before I give up on it. Technical books, well that’s three pages at a time. I have my own system, do my own thing. My personal system.

Alvin. No, not the…

Describe an item you were incredibly attached to as a youth. What became of it?

Chipmunk. It was actually a bald cabbage patch kid. It was my last forya into that realm. I lost him because my ex husband didn’t listen to me when I told him to pack 4 boxes of my childhood in the interior bedroom in advance of hurricane Andrew. Thanks to a well placed tornado it is or was taken out to the everglades national forest. It also came in a squished box that my mother had zero problem telling me to my face that was the reason I got that one even though she knew I wanted a girl with hair. Now, it must be stated that it was during the cabbage patch over runs, my mother was strategically placed to aquire 2 of them which is a miracle and commendable, by itself. I slept with that doll until then, except on my wedding night, I slept with a huge stuffed teddy bear that was almost as big as I was. I got married at 17. Had my baby before I turned 18. I believe especially in the interim of years that losing that doll permanently put an end to my childhood or what masqueraded army childhood.

Dependant.

What are your thoughts on the concept of living a very long life?

Dependent upon criteria. The criteria is not so much based on physical components. If someone is a bad human. Predominantly selfish and hateful. I don’t think longevity is beneficial for society. There is an episode of criminal minds or law and order, where the parents killed their child because he was dangerous. Having launched a successful attack on a younger, normally developed sibling. Does society hold a place for those people. The bleeding heart in me says yes. Yet, the more realistic side of me says no. A rabid dog cannot be saved.

Of normal individuals, I would say it should be truly realistic. Who I was 20 yrs ago had zero quality of life. Zero ability to get off the pills. Existence in pain. If I hadn’t tried before, if I hadn’t woken up realizing I am not alone. That the universe is happy I am here. The trauma I sustained as an unwanted child. Really wholeheartedly, buying into my existence was wrong. I was a burden. Nothing I did was right. I was broken enough to believe that my own children were better off without me. Here I am at 50, laughing and loving the fact I survived that. I am planning a long life. This is the time I am living.

A new life. Complete. Loving the little me, the teenager, the flighty 20 something. The emotionally burdened 30s and the eye-opening 40s. Having the scars of decades, I don’t find them ugly. They are the beautiful mosaic of me. I am finally living and I am in love with it.

Oh hell no!! A Christmas wish.

Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?

I got at least one degree and certification coming from Northwestern. I have not fully run into the actualization of this yet. I am unsure what I want, except that I believe that it involves my former work with Volunteer America. As a Kellogg Fellow, I am fully equipped to do anything and everything.

Having watched the research out of Sweden, and my personal involvement with foster care. I believe we need a combo nursing home, with foster care. I believe it would allow development on the fronts of care not just of the body but mind. As a bonus it would also a sense of family to kids who feel lost in a sea of emotional confusion.

That’s what I am dreaming about this Christmas. So no my life is not the same it is way bigger and more comforting than I have ever experienced.

Disruption

My house is in disarray. My little, well not so little animal family. I have had my service animal Tink for over 8 yrs. She traveled with me across the country twice. Started in Florida to California, Oklahoma, Chicago, finally settling down in North Carolina. Since then I got my dream black cat. A cat who with one exception is exactly like Kimba whom I had for over 25 yrs. Where Kimba was white, Nyx is brown. That’s it, they have the same face markings. Then, deep sigh, I had opened my home the weather was spectacular. My doors were open along with he windows. My partner came home and asked me about the pretty cat. I was confused til I saw him. I thought about putting him back out, but Nyx grabbed him and started cleaning him. I thought no harm no foul. Plus because Grumpy likes going outside, Nyx, who is afraid of the outside needed a companion. He grew on my partner. That’s why his official name is Casanova, Cass for short. I posted recently about people sucking. Well, Freya is still in my house. I am quite overwhelmed with how I feel. Its Christmas. I am trying to soothe and calm everyone, failing most days.

Plus, having family come in for out going flights is crazy when animals are not involved. Yet, would I change it..there are moments. Then I think back to the way Freya looked at me when I got to her. How she allowed a purse strap to guide her to a vehicle she had never seen. To the way she looked at a tennis ball with joy. The other animals will adjust. Because of her condition, I brought my Tink out to meet her. So she would understand this is Tink’s home first and foremost. They are learning to play together. Not sisters, yet. Just acceptance of presence, unless they are out playing together. The first time Tink tried to play with her, well it was confusing, for Tink. Yet, she understood. I brought Tink to her, Freya, she growled at Tink that was the only harsh thing that has been passed between them.

Disruption is the name of the game for sure. My cats on the verge of war. The dogs getting used to each other..eventually we will be a rounded family. Adding the chaos to the season of giving. Prayers and good thoughts would appreciated.

My Pa

Describe a man who has positively impacted your life.

Not even familiarity related. A man that fell in love with a divorcee who had two kids in the mid 60s, was frowned upon (socially). He not only raised them but they had another. Three girls. My mom was 17 when she got pregnant with me. When I was little I worked at saying the word Grandma, but refused to say Grandpa. He was just Pa. Then my daughter turned it into Papa. Yet never once did this man not claim me. Not once did he make me feel less. It was from him I was able to ask for hugs. Yet, he couldn’t stand to see me cry. My tears seemed to be his allergy. John Stanley was the best man. Not that he was perfect. Yet, he was perfect for me. It took me a while to realize later that it broke his heart, when he gave me what turned out to be shit advice. After it was all said and done he would tell me that I make pretty good decisions and he trusted me. For a lot of my life I didn’t trust me. The situation I was raised in , outside this relationship was half crazy and half cruel. He was and still is my solice. I have compared the men in life to him, most have come up wanting. Now. I have a man in my life that reminds my of him. Our private jokes. The way music is important. To enjoy the moment. And if ever in a hurricane buy beer and lottery tickets. My secret life as his , Girl. I will leave this world proud and content, because I was lucky enough to be his Girl.

People suck.

I went to pick up a Christmas present for someone in my life. In an area of town I usually do not drive in. I got my gift and was happily headed home. I had to slow down due to a curb. As I came out of the turn I saw a BEAUTIFUL black dog. Sitting in a cage, with the doors open. I turned around it was 20 degrees with frost in the air. I was so mortified. I walked up to the cage. I was being cautious. This dogs coat was relatively beautifully jet black. She is pretty beat up. She should be nursing pups. She shouldn’t have bite marks all over her. On her tits, her face, her side. Everywhere. No docking of the tail, but missing ear tips. Almost like she wasn’t a good breeder but I doubt that, I think she didn’t throw a mearle puppy. So they fed her to others. She is really young by the teeth. Yet the sadness is etched in her eyes. She is starting to heal, I have named her Vesta, Ves for short. To show love she air humps, wierd. But people suck. Happy holidays y’all.

To be.

What’s the biggest risk you’d like to take — but haven’t been able to?

To fully become me. I am still stumbling through. Still feeling tinges of jealousy. Watching things happen and wondering how or why. I know intellectually that what appears to be the problem is more a matter of elevation. The higher viewpoint. I like to interpret life through the macro micro. Ignoring the micro. Keeping it elevated and moving. Yet I stumble. I quit on myself. Aquisending when I want to say no. Not putting the effort of push back. I do succeed in the clutch of anger. Pushing way to hard sometimes as well. I know it make me human. I know I have a philosophical soul. So I see the this as that. Physically, though, I want to go sky diving. I have been at deaths door many times, I am not afraid of that. Having fibromyagia I know pain. So I am not afraid. I just am mildly annoyed that I am not unabashedly myself. I curb it to maintain social constructs. I curb it to maintain my personal relationships. And due to the fact that being a raging bitch is no fun for anyone. But I do run up to that line a hell of lot more then I have in the past. It’s the cha-cha affect. Two steps forward, three steps back. Same ground different circumstances. Same circumstances different ground.

Mundane life.

What is something others do that sparks your admiration?

Well, what I mean is I went through hell so when I see other females handling things that shook me to the core, my thing is to tell them how I see them. How even at their weakest they are beautifully handling it. Seeing the tension leave someone’s eyes is amazing. Knowing that back when I was there, it would have ment the world to have someone anyone encourage me. So I am the force that I didn’t get. I actively look for those opportunities. Not for social media. There is no evidence of the good I have accomplished. But I do. I saw the mama at her wits end, smile and relax. To have her whole demeanor change, especially if they think what I would say be judgy and hateful. Giving the grace I did not personally receive. I admire the mama’s and dad’s that don’t have a good sumeritan. Who have to feel knocked emotionally out for a small humans behavior. Having a stressful day and Nancy has to tell you back in her day, blah blah blah. Nope, the world has enough of that. We need people to hold the door for others, why, cause it is simple and costs you two seconds. In line with a cranky kid in front of you, we’ll ask it some questions if it’s verbal if not try to grab his attention to make him smile. The world needs, simple acts of community. I admire the mundane. The people who try to help for no other reason than to help. I admire all life. I try to honor that everyday. I also hope I am not alone.